Matthew, Mark, Luke and Kelly.

Dear O2,

I thought I should write to express my personal thanks for the cultural and socio-economic eye-opener that constituted my recent telephone conversation with your Customer Care Team. I particularly like the fact that you have to chosen to entitle them the 'Customer Care Team' and would like to congratulate you on your wit and irony.

I think the £4.66p you spend an hour employing these indifferent fourteen year olds is worth every penny. During the course of my day today I have had the pleasure of Luke, Kelly, Emma and Abdul, and can assure you the non-commital, aggressive overtones were uniform and exemplary. I would also like to reassure you that my complaints were dealt with in lengths of time that a boatsman (or woman) would be embarassed to have circum-navigated the globe in a failing dinghy with.

I am particularly fond of your interactive telephone system, which instructs the enraged customer to 'Press One if you're enquiring about our latest pricing policy. Press Two if we're single-handedly becoming your obsession and you've started blogging about us on your internet page. Press Three if you're having a nervous breakdown...' etc. I'd be interested to meet the sort of customer who has the time and inclination to contact you during the daytime regarding a pricing enquiry. The particularly charmless, non-determinable-accented woman barking out the instructions was a nice touch.

I think it goes without saying that my issues were dealt with in the same manner you'd expect two french-kissing sixteen year olds in a youth centre in Coventry, intoxicated by strong cider and listening to Happy Hardcore to respond to the question, ''Anyone fancy a nice game of Croquet, before supper?''

My phone is still broken, I've shaved off fourteen years of my (ever decreasing) life due to Hypertension and I've been insulted without having to leave my home. Sterling work!

Yours Sincerely,

Ms Consumer